The Impermanence of Time

September 5th, 2013

Thoughts come and go.  Like the vines a monkey uses to swing through the trees, I hold on to one vine then let go.  Hold on to the next vine, then let go.  On and on, until I decide to let go of the vines altogether and scramble on down the nearest trunk.  I think this is where I sit and ponder my navel, or something like that….

All of the vines, all of the trees, like my entire experience, have no intrinsic meaning.  Vines are wonderful, divine even, in that they help me to move through the jungle.  But I am the one who perceives all of this and tries to label it.  I suppose something could elicit from me an emotional response, but wouldn’t that be based on past experiences?  Or are emotions fresh, do they come out singly, in response to each situation?  I suspect I am still more often in the space of relying on old information when it comes to how I perceive the world… no, when it comes to how I pre-ceive the world, i.e. what I expect.

I don’t really know, but it seems the way to live is in the moment, acting as if each presentation to me is new and completely original.  My perception can be new and original.  I can erase each idea … as it comes in?  No, too soon.  After a day?  Who knows?

Well, anyways, what I bring to the table, what thoughts I have, do I judge or not, what kind of spin do I put on the thought, all of these things are mine and therefore mine to direct.  What color am I putting over the things that I let in?  How do I choose what to let in?  Am I choosing or just letting myself be pelted by whatever is closest?

I just don’t know, really.  I just don’t know.

Oh, and I didn’t talk about time, did I… because even though it is impermanent it appears to be constant, at least to our world.  Constant – there were several definitions of this online, I chose to like this one:

Steadfast in purpose, loyalty, or affection; faithful.

It seems to have a more emotional implication, and I like thinking of the Universe as Constant in this way… especially as affectionate and faithful.

Good night!

(the definition is from


August 22nd, 2013

What is the point of fitting in?  Can no one love me if I’m not conforming?  I find this hard to believe.  In fact I think people love each other more when they feel the ‘other’ person is being real and genuine.

If I am doing certain things, or not doing certain things, simply because I think that this will make me more likeable, I am sacrificing my own desires and my own expressions for the sake of (what I imagine to be) the other person’s feelings.  My thoughts have to move out of the way of the conforming thoughts, and who the hell knows if I’m getting even those ‘right’?  What the hell is right?  Who determines this??

I can never satisfy everyone, nor likely many at all.  I can only satisfy myself, and even that can be difficult at times.  I do however hold out hope that the latter is something I can learn and master within a reasonable period of time.

Until then, I continue to practice not trying to fit in.  It’s not that I’m constantly rebelling – been there, done that – it’s just that I’m not actively trying to conform.  I am letting go of the constant reaching out with my mind (i.e. it’s all in my head) to try to sense what someone else thinks of me or what I’m doing, wearing, saying, etc., etc.

More to the point, I am beginning to say what I want to say.  I am wearing what I want to wear.  I am going where I want to go, and staying home when that feels best, too.  This sounds very basic, like it’s so obvious I shouldn’t even have to put it into words.  But here I am, doing just that.  Believe me, these words are for me, attempting to etch these ideas and things learned into the material world, or at least the part of it I interact with on a regular basis.

OK, enough words.  Time for a little peace and quiet.  Amen.

On Purpose

July 19th, 2013

If something occurs, anything, I am NEVER the victim of it.  Not the Real Me.  Not the Me who knows who I am.

I disagree with those who say that memory is a fickle thing.  Well, I suppose it depends on the definition of ‘memory’ being used.  But my experience of it is that the memories – the recordings of events I have been present for – are completely accurate.  It is my recall of those events that is subject to distortion.

Along these same lines, I have been present for everything, for every single second of this life.  It may be true that I haven’t been awake for all of these moments, and it is definitely true that I have not always acted in a way I am proud of, but I have been here – the Real Me.  I have experienced all of these minutes since the time of my birth, and I will continue to experience whatever comes my way until the moment of my death.

There is nothing I can blame on any other.  In fact, the idea of blame is itself an illusion.  Besides the fact that we are All One, there is nothing in this life that I didn’t specifically intend to see (or hear or feel or… etc.)  I am deliberately here, on purpose, with determination.  My life is no accident.

I have always been here.  I have never been anywhere else.

There is a focus to this experience, it’s narrower than what we’re used to as our true selves.  It may often feel limiting.  But we chose this, we chose to experience what it’s like to really hone in on something very ‘small.’  And due to the fractal nature of the universe, we find that this small place, this narrow, limited, time-defined arena is filled with magic.


June 29th, 2013

I’m going to say something obvious here, but here goes:  when I hold two conflicting desires or emotions in myself, there is tension.  And yet I can see that both desires are legitimate.  I am in fact finding that it is possible to hold both at the same time without going crazy.  I don’t have to choose one or the other.  I can live with all of it.

Magnets work on attraction and repulsion; this is their MO.  It’s what they do.  The tension between the polarities creates movement, or perhaps the movement of the magnetic forces creates tension…?  Who knows, really, but it’s kind of fun to be in it, like a giant bouncy house or something.

It’s utter chaos in the bouncy house, you know….

Anyways, the more aware I am of our Oneness, the more I realize that I am feeling EVERYTHING.  Because we are One, and because I am sensitive, I feel all the sadness, all the anger, all the love, all the fear, all the ecstasy, and all the chaos of all of the emotions on this planet.

It is important for me to remember that none of this is evil or wrong or bad.  It simply is what is here.

And so, there will be times when I choose.  But I think there will many, many more when I don’t.  There are so many humans on this planet generating ideas and thoughts, and an unknown, infinite smorgasbord of possibilities in the universe (multiverse?), I’m thinking it is impossible to experience all of it in this one human lifetime.  So, again, I don’t have to make any of those choices, just a few choice ones (yes, I know) right here and now.  All I really need to choose is how I am going to see the world and my place in it.  Everything else will follow from that.

Last night one of my guides suggested I try looking at all of the humans on Earth as if they are my children.  He then asked, do you love any one of them more or less than another?  And of course, I don’t.  As my children, all are equally beautiful and precious to me.

It was overwhelming, seeing every person on the planet as my child.  The love, the need, the sharing – it all came rushing over me at once.  And again, I felt the clarity that there are no choices to make, not really, because each and every one of us is the perfect choice.

I am intending, I am expecting, I am expressing.  Each wave of the polar forces, each moment…  this is what now feels like.


June 28th, 2013

Transparency comes with oneness, for truly there are no secrets.

With all of the criticisms and fears of the NSA, being spied upon, and a general lack of confidence in our government here in the US, it may be helpful to remember that there is no privacy when we are truly aware of our oneness, for if I KNOW I am you and you are me, then our hearts and minds are completely open and all is shared.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want the NSA spying on us – it shows a complete lack of trust on their part, of me, of you, of humanity.  And it is absolutely motivated by fear, which is to say, they are expecting the worst.  From my perspective this is a shitty way to live.

I am not concerned about the specifics of them spying on me, and it’s not that I don’t have anything to hide (‘cuz I might).  But from the larger perspective of unity, there will never be anything to hide.  All experiences are mine, and everything I do is up for grabs as well.  The way the NSA is getting this information is the hard way, of course, because if they were truly tuned in they would know everything they want to know.  Well, actually, what they would know is that there is nothing to fear, but that’s a position they cannot enter, at least not yet, not in an attitude of fear.

So of course after I write this I get an email about this very idea – that if I open my heart, allowing myself to be completely vulnerable, I cannot be hurt.  Now I had a direct experience of this a few years back but have not been able to recreate the experience.  But at that time I had opened myself completely and realized how any slings or arrows headed my way just went right through me.  Nothing sticks when I am open.

As I thin out and become more transparent myself, what will I be like?  What will life seem to be?  I am told that we are all opening ourselves up, whether we want to or not.  I am told that this is evolution, or as some call it, ascension.  Whatever name we give it, I welcome it.  I welcome the change.  I welcome the clarity.  And because I do, you do, too.  You’re welcome.

The Bargain

May 18th, 2013

My body is limited in physical size; I am not.  Yet in our partnership I live in the body’s shape and through the same reception of sensory input.

How well do I receive this life?  How readily do I see this as love?

We must be lovers, my body and I – lovers of each other, lovers of the world, lovers of ourselves.

People make plans, we go places and do things, or not.  Sometimes the plans do not work out.  But it is no matter because there is no right or wrong to any of this.  These are just things to do, experiences to have.

Everything I do, I do for love:  love I have, love I give, love I feel.

This is my bargain with my body:  I will love you and show you the world, and you, My Vessel, will hold me throughout.


April 17th, 2013

I have, once again, recommitted to finding beauty wherever I go.  This has been my life’s work, really, but I am just now really seeing it for the grand obligation that it is.

This is not to say that I will always see it in front of me.  When I have tried to “make something be beautiful” it inevitably falls apart.  There is no making anything any way that I choose.  I know, I pick my perceptions, but what I mean here is, when my 5 senses cannot detect something my inner sense would call ‘beautiful,’ pretending to find something so is still a falsehood for me.  It seems too big a step from feeling something is ugly.  So a more sideways step, to simply look for beauty here and now, is really easier for me.

Trouble is, sometimes I might not find something beautiful where I stand.   At this moment, then, is when the magic occurs.  I can remember that I am beautiful, that I am that beauty which the universe has made and is made of.  In this moment of recognition, all my middle chakras reel up – from orange to indigo.  Try it, see if something stirs inside of you.  Bring your own beauty to the party!

And Now…

March 15th, 2013

As I wake up to this life, as I am more present more of the time and more aware of where I am, it freaks me out.  This world has the entire spectrum of experience and emotion in it.  I am experiencing ALL of it, ALL at once.  It is at once exhilarating and exhausting.  At times I am not sure I can continue.  At times I definitely want to stop.

And yet I continue to exist here.  My body continues, with my soul at the wheel.  That’s quite the revelation I realize; I get to choose where I steer my life’s boat.

This could be fun….


February 19th, 2013

Will I ever finally, truly, completely see my place in the whole?  I think I have had glimpses, and it is a very comforting and beautiful thing.

All this searching, all these questions, and what do I have to show for it?  Well, some progress has been made, surprisingly.  I don’t feel much different, and yet looking back I can see what has been lost (and in a good way) and what has been gained (I guess it’s just two sides of the same coin).  Abraham cautioned against stopping and taking stock, but I think just once in a while it’s ok to see how far we have come.  It’s encouraging, for me anyways, to know that I’m not as stuck as I thought I was.

I feel hope, which is not some pitiful wishing but more of a grateful appreciation for being here.  I think that’s big, and important.  The wholeness of the world, and indeed all of, well, everything, has been feeding this sense of peace within, and I like it.

Finally I am enjoying the journey, or at least giving myself time to make it.  I’m pretty sure that patience is something I really wanted to focus on in this go-round.  Maybe, possibly, I’m starting to get some.

Funny how now that I have honestly opened up to assistance, it just keeps coming.  It’s not that people are rushing to my side, but I am finding things to read or see, at the perfect time.  Just when I’m pondering a certain aspect of creativity, for instance, several articles come my way in which the artist ponders the same thing.  I love the universe, and I thank it and every singular being in it for their support and love.  It has for sure been a Long Strange Trip (emphasis on Strange).

Keep on truckin’…

(Do I need to credit The Dead here?  I hope you will know…)

Me and My Shadow

November 29th, 2012

While I was out walking the dogs the other day, I saw my shadow. This is not really new as it happens all the time here (there’s a lot of sunlight in Southern California), but what was funny was how harshly I judged my looks based on this shadow.

A shadow, I tell you. I decided I look ugly because my shadow looks funny.

Now, this may all sound obviously ridiculous to you, but I laughed out loud when I realized that I had been judging myself based on my shadow, my dark-side, a projection.

Well, now that I know what I’ve been doing, what do I do with this information? I’m still not sure, really. I have been getting messages like crazy about the wholeness of everything, about owning my shadow-self, about loving EVERYTHING … or NOTHING … I guess I get to pick (it all has something to do with neutrality). I’m still not sure exactly.

So that’s what I’m going to do. Well, that’s what I’m going to aim for. And, more importantly, I’m going to acknowledge and allow that I do not know. That I have no clue. That the only thing I can affect is all the stuff I keep making up in my head.

I am moved to share a quote from a recent Simpsons episode. Homer is sitting at the bar at Moe’s and he’s had a rough day. Looking quite sad, he says, “I’m in an abusive relationship with life. It keeps beating the hell out of me and I’m too cowardly to leave it.”

What does that have to do with seeing my shadow? Well, nothing really, I just think it’s funny.