Belonging

December 22nd, 2013

The truth is that of course I belong, or I wouldn’t be here.  None of us would be here if we weren’t supposed to be here.  We came here this way, on purpose, because we wanted to.  Each and every one of us made and continues to make this choice.  And so here we are.  Here we are.

If I look at the world and think, they don’t understand me, I feel alienation.

If I look at the world and realize, I don’t understand them, I feel union and compassion.

The more often I taste Oneness the more inundated I am with information; it isn’t overwhelm-ment like Abraham talks about, but it is a sensory overload – not an emotional overwhelm but a physiological one.

There is so much to this Universe, to this planet, our home.  I am more and more amazed as I move through time.  How does this work?  Who is making this?  Are we making it?  So many choices to be made, so much more time!

All I really know is that I am still here.

Awe and Amazement

December 14th, 2013

I like to walk around in amazement.  I like to gawk at the trees and wonder how they become trees.  I like to watch animals and the way they interact with each other and the planet.  I like to see the mountains in their hugeness, just being.

This world is simply amazing.

And then I look at humans and think, people are like magic!  We say and do things that are so unpredictable, we even surprise ourselves sometimes.  We create things like art and music and the internet.  We have ideas and emotions and we share them with whoever will listen.  Most interestingly, we run around the planet feeling separate and individual and yet we are intimately connected with every other human here.

And we are powerful.  We think we can destroy the world, and while we may be able to mess it up extensively, I do not believe we have the power to destroy it.  I do, however, believe we can destroy ourselves.  Easily.  In fact, we do it all the time.

So why not use all that magic and power to create?  Why not simply bring up our own deepest desires and see them through?  At the very least, in the process, we can set some visions for ourselves.

It feels, to me, that many of the old ways of doing things are crumbling, and while there may be some chaos in this transition, it is definitely a transition, not just an end.  Underneath the debris the broad and deep knowing of who we really are arises to support us all.

And this is the magic of being.  We are here.  I don’t know how we got here, not really, nor do I really know why.  But we are.  And it’s still amazing.

Pre-Formed for Your Convenience

November 30th, 2013

I noticed recently how when I thought of someone, I had this Form for them, this space in my sphere where they were supposed to ‘fit.’  It made it really clear to me that I was creating my ideas of them and therefore how they appeared to me.  And no matter what they did I was gonna make it fit into the space I had for them.

At this moment, I decided that rather than having a pre-formed space for them to fill in when I interact with them, I would simply open up completely to allow them to form themselves as they choose (not as I choose).  This felt a bit vulnerable at first but then freeing as I was no longer responsible for them.  I am, of course, responsible for how I feel about them and our interactions, but who they are, that’s totally, completely, 100% up to them.  All the time.  Phew!

The best part of this is that it has changed how people appear to me.  I could say they are behaving differently, but maybe it’s more that I am actually seeing all of what they are presenting to me as opposed to filtering it through some format I’ve created ahead of time.

It also appeared to me that others might be doing the same thing, i.e. that they have created a preconceived format for me to appear in.  And I realized that could be why it’s so hard for us to make changes in how we behave.  So maybe we do behave differently when someone changes their expectations of us.  Maybe we do try to fit into the spaces we’ve created for each other – it certainly keeps things running smoothly.  There’s no conflict, no trying to fit the square peg into the round hole, we just become round.

The good news is that we can still be who we are; we can retain our own form even if someone has a strangely shaped space reserved for us.  It’s difficult, to be sure.  When I went vegetarian over a decade ago, it was interesting to me which of my family and friends accepted it right away, who remembered and who didn’t, and who kept on insisting that it wasn’t good for me to do so (this last group were the ones who never remembered, apparently so we could have the same conversation over and over again).

I don’t blame anyone for any of this, not if I also did it for most of my life.  We are all in on it.  Well, I’m not ‘in’ any more, but you get the idea.  I suppose there may still be remnants in my world view.  I’m hoping they all come up for clearing, and the sooner the better.  I do not want to be forming people in my head, I want to be meeting them in real life.

The trick is, for me anyways, to keep the space clear at all times, or at least as much as I can.  This asks of me a presence I have been aiming at for the last two decades so I appreciate another tool or route to get me there… here… now.

Really all of this brings back memories of my first declaration to wake up:  I intend to learn to love unconditionally.  At that time, unconditional love and pure presence were one and the same, at least in my mind.  There was no way for me to be present and not feel that all-pervasive love that is.  And when I was feeling unfettered and rampant love I definitely felt very much like I was attending to the current moment.

Maybe it’s just that love and attention are one and the same.  I don’t know, really.  I just know that this new way of un-forming the world around me is working out very well.  I feel free and full and open.  It’s as if I’m standing in the archway between the physical and non, breathing them through the opening, breathing them together into oneness.

I am excited to see what changes this new perspective brings into my human life.  In the meantime, I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused and look forward to meeting my fellow explorers, as they are, in this wide open space.

Words Is Words

November 23rd, 2013

“The syntactical nature of reality, the real secret of magic, is that the world is made of words. And if you know the words that the world is made of, you can make of it whatever you wish.”
– Terence McKenna


Some Kiss We Want

There is some kiss we want with
our whole lives, the touch of
spirit on the body. Seawater
begs the pearl to break its shell.
And the lily, how passionately
it needs some wild darling! At
night, I open the window and ask
the moon to come and press its
face against mine. Breathe into
me. Close the language-door and
open the love window. The moon
won’t use the door, only the window.

-From Soul of Rumi by Coleman Barks


So, do words count?  Or not?  I keep using them; I keep trying to explain things with them.  But maybe that’s just not necessary.

When pondering what it is I enjoy about writing, I realized that my passion is the thought process itself - the imagining and the expansion that comes from creating and (or?) making connections.  But all of that occurs inside of me.  Words are often insufficient to express all that goes on in here.  I have fun trying to put words to this stuff, but it’s secondary to the stuff itself.

This came up because I wondered if I really want to be a writer, i.e. how much do I love writing?  And I realized, I don’t really love it, not deeply anyways, I just use it to assist me (if possible) in the deeper and more mysterious inner explorations.

What does this mean for some kind of career?  How can I show progress when there is nothing material to display?

And then it hits me – the whole idea of this inner dialog is to grow and remember.  Physical expressions of this remembering will then come out naturally through my day-to-day life.  Sounds like an easy way out, but really I can’t say it’s been easy.  Not really.  Our culture is set up to measure success by material means.  How well, then, do I feel valued in my culture?  (Hint: I usually don’t.)

For me, McKenna’s words describing words is like bringing the mystical, magical essence of what-is-not-seen into this world – the world of figures and forms and all things human.  And in this sense words do count.

And then there’s Rumi.  Painting pictures with words.  Using words to say that words really aren’t going to work or help, not if you want to kiss the moon.

Children of the Universe

November 18th, 2013

Sadness.  Great sadness and grief.  Pain, fear.  Anger, rage.  Wallow-worthy spaces, indeed, but are they necessary?  Maybe so, maybe that’s why we’re here – not to suffer, I don’t believe that, but to know something besides the unutterable joy that being human truly is.

We come here (i.e. incarnate) with knowledge of the challenges, even if not the specifics of them.  We know it will not be like the in-between life.  We know we will feel all of the things listed above.  We do this intentionally, on purpose, with focus and desire in our pockets.

Sometimes I think this is crazy (see previous post on craziness).  OK, lots of times I think this is crazy, but then I’m here, aren’t I.  There is no accident or chance to this situation, so what then?  And then I remember:  I must let everyone have their experiences because just as I have come to see what’s the deal with Earth life, so have they.  We all have.

Picturing all of us floundering around in the Earth pool it all makes a bit more sense.  I dove in and forgot some stuff, some really important stuff it seems, but again I’m not the only one (thankfully).  And the good news is I still know it (all the important things) so it’s just a matter of recall.  Or perhaps, at least for me, it’s more of a matter of clearing out all the stuff that’s been piling up inside my head to see and hear what I’m really up to… or up for.

I don’t want to kick myself when I’m down, that would definitely not be helpful.  And somehow it seems that I’m supposed to be able to feel all these painful things, all this sorrow and despair.  There is the obvious way to look at it, that by having these experiences myself I can be more compassionate towards others who are going through the same stuff (although truthfully I’m just now getting to the compassion part; there have been many years where I’ve been very impatient for everyone else to ‘catch up’;  I know, it’s arrogant).

But it feels like there’s an even deeper and more mysterious ‘reason’ to this existence.  I admit that being here for others is a great gift I can give, but part of me wants to know who I am and I think this is something all of us have inside.  I could be wrong, but don’t you want to know?  Why else would the One, the All That Is, get into this whole experience/experiment?  Without having felt what it might be like to know an ‘other’, our source might not have known to think of compassion, for instance, because Source would always love itself.  I could be wrong, since many say that time has no meaning outside of the physical world.

I think Source wanted to know if it’s possible to make more of itself, to continue to expand forever and ever.  To play with Others, even if it meant making those others out of itself.  This is a very clever set up we have here.  Source is creative.  And curious.  And perhaps that – curiosity – is the greatest achievement of all.  Source can search and learn; all of the children of the Universe (you and I) can grow and expand.  The entire of existence can be added to, new things created, new ideas formed.  The variety seems infinite, at least from my vantage point.

And this – the boundless diversity which holds us all – this is the meaning of my life.  I get to play here!  With all of this stuff and all of these people!  With all of this time!  Sometimes I think I can understand the idea of “infinity in the palm of my hand.”  Sometimes I am really here.

Blogging as Myself

November 15th, 2013

I’ve joined a facebook group, it’s about creativity, somewhat, but I suppose mostly about doing work that one is profoundly passionate about (so for me that would be something creative).  The general idea seems to be about following your dreams and doing what really moves you, and the group offers lots of support and resources if you decide to take action.

It’s honestly too action-oriented for me, but still, I like the energy.  On the facebook page, several people have come up with sub-groups they want to form, one about creativity, one about tech issues, one about the mechanics of creating a blog.  It’s all really great… and I hardly participate at all.

I think I may have to quit, but then maybe no one will notice my absence of input.  I mean, there are over 400 people on this project.  (In case you’re curious, Scott Dinsmore at Live Your Legend started this, check out his site if you want some encouragement to go do your thing – he’s living the life, or his legend anyways.)

So I started wondering, what if we created a sub-group for introverts?  I mean, we need a place to not be heard, right?  Lord knows I’m always looking for ways to blend in.

The fun part is, here I am, writing this in my blog, because (partly) I want to see if anyone is going through the rather extensive list of blogs to check them out, or if they’re just reading the ones by the people who have re-posted their site addresses on the facebook page.  (Full disclosure, in case you didn’t notice, there’s no comments going on here.)  Also I like the idea of introverts trying to work the system when it’s set up more for extroverts.  (I’m not complaining, I mean, I joined the group, I know what it’s about.)

Anyways, I thought it would be funny if someone noticed, and if other introverts actually wanted to start a sub-group.  What would we do there?  Maybe nothing, you know.  But then we’ve joined this community so it’s not as if we want to be invisible (I was joking before, about not being heard.)

Here’s to the introverts, then.  We may come across as quiet (or arrogant, as I’ve been told before).  But we know what’s what in our heads, and maybe, if you’re lucky, we’ll let you in on it.

Emotional much?

November 11th, 2013

Emotional Much?

Repressed, suppressed and oppressed – this is what happens to our emotions.  We control them, our teachers and parents teach us how to ‘manage’ them (if we’re lucky, perhaps), and our culture has all these ‘soft’ rules about which ones are ok to let out in public.

I bring this up because I have had, over the short few years I’ve been writing here, been focused on putting out ‘positive’ things.  I didn’t want this to be a place where I just whined about stuff I couldn’t change or got all victimized by stuff outside of my control.

But it has occurred to me that without the whole spectrum of emotional response being represented here, you would only get a small piece of the bigger pie, and Lord knows I’m all about sharing the pie.  I wouldn’t be writing here if this weren’t true.

Perhaps you recall the idea that what we put out there, whether it’s on Facebook or just how we live our lives, it’s our final cut.  There’s tons of tape left on the cutting room floor (ok, maybe film and cutting rooms don’t exist anymore, I don’t really know, but you get the idea).  And while it’s ok, to me anyways, to put my best foot forward, there’s no point in trying to hide the fact that I have an average foot, too, or even a failure of a foot.  I experience the entire range of emotions, and I’m pretty sure that everyone else does, too.

I really like the idea that when I let myself be crazy or angry or hyper or any of those types of things that generally aren’t supported in public expressions, I am giving space for others to do the same.  When I allow myself to mess up and forgive myself, that shows my kids, for instance, that it’s ok to mess up.  We just pick ourselves up and keep going.

So while I continue to free up my emotions, getting all that excess baggage out of the attic and basement and everywhere in between, I will be looking at some of it in depth because that’s what this process is for – to discover any hidden jewels hidden amongst the bags of done deals.  The way my life is going lately, I will be finding some really good ones in the next few days and weeks, because it seems that whenever I invite something into my life, it shows up!

In exquisite anticipation,

Wait, did you say crazy?

November 11th, 2013

As for this crazy world, let’s take a look at that, shall we?

Here we all were, as pure consciousness, or spirit, or source, whatever you want to call it, and someone says, “Hey, let’s make a planet and all go live there!  And let’s have earthquakes and floods and stuff like that, where you could die.  And let’s have animals that might try to eat you!  Ya, that’d be great!  And let’s give everyone an ego because then they can be afraid and say and do things that are really hurtful to each other!  Ya!  Let’s do that!!”  And here we are, billions of us, living on this planet, doing all this stuff to ourselves and to each other.  Isn’t it fun?

Or is it just plain crazy??

Motherhood

November 11th, 2013

How can I help?  What can I do?  She suffers because I cannot fix things for her.  And in the middle of the night this reminds me that there are millions of people on this planet who I cannot help.

I have never considered myself strong and yet people who know me well see me as very strong.  It just recently occurred to me that I may be confusing strength with power.  For I do not feel powerful.  In fact I often feel powerless, and unable to affect any changes for those who truly need the help.

Often spiritual traditions speak of the idea that my sense that there is something ‘wrong’ is what needs fixing, and while I can accept that the stuff I make up in my head is very powerful it still comes down to the material world.  What can I do here?

Somewhere deep down inside I can feel that peace, that wholeness that is All of Us.  In this I know that nothing needs fixing and the only adjustments necessary are in my thoughts.  This I can do.  Yet it is torture to watch someone suffer, a mental torture anyways.

I must have wanted this, as did she.  Otherwise we would not be here.   What a crazy idea this world is!  I guess love really is the only answer, the only thing we need.

moving on

November 10th, 2013

I’ve accepted the challenge, put the thing on my plate even though I’m not sure I’m really hungry for it.  I am hungry, but for this?  I don’t know.  Still, I am (almost) always willing to try something at least once.…

I am going to experiment this time ‘round, however.  Rather than trying to come up with a perfect, well-rounded and complete essay, I’m going to have to let whatever it is that’s wanting to come out to come out.  It’s far too much work to keep polishing and worrying over the Essay, to come up with the neat and tidy.  No, I’m well past a need (or desire) for form.  Besides, our language gives me enough of a challenge in that arena.  (I will acknowledge, too, that my recent entries have not been finished essays; I am really just declaring here that I’m not even going to try to write that way anymore.)

But ideas, they come all the time.  The incessant need to share or express, that needs fulfilling, and so here goes.  Welcome to my brain on words.  No, my life in words.  Well, we’ll just see what happens….