Coming Together

September 23rd, 2014

In my quest to live always in the present moment, I am seeing how many of my decisions are based on Past Experience, as if what I’ve seen and heard before is gospel because, well, that was my experience.  But of course in the here-and-now I have no idea what’s coming next.  What is in front of me is a mystery.

It feels like my biology – and perhaps my mind/brain – are running on this past experience because that’s what they do.  But my Creator Self can step in and look forward, as opposed to backwards.

Here’s an example:  from my old point of view, I lift my foot and take a step, expecting the ground to be there when I put my foot back down because the ground has always been there in the past.  But from my Creator point of view, I lift my foot to take a step and there is ground there because that is what I desire to experience right now as I put my foot back down. *

I am feeling more ‘rounded’ as I integrate and welcome my ‘shadow’ side, broader, fuller, deeper, more colorful…  it’s almost as if by opening up to ALL of me, I am automatically drawn to the center, or perhaps I realize I am the center, which would be in the present time and place… so my quest for presence and wholeness becomes what I am creating, because that is my choice (as opposed to hoping it will happen or even wanting it to happen – I am the center looking out). **

I find myself truly in a position of not knowing the why of anything, at least not from my human point of view.  I suspect that from my larger perspective the why of it is really simple, along the lines of, ‘because it’s fun!  because I can!  because I want to experience everything!’

Whatever the reasons, I am here and so I will continue to drink my coffee and read something expansive because I feel like it.  Because that is what I choose to do.  Because that is what I am creating!

* Thanks, Hunter Reynolds, for the foot idea.

**  This doesn’t make sense today.  I mean, I can only ever be in my center, as a human.  All of my senses are my center, feed into my center, hold my center.  I don’t know why I am writing.  Oh ya, something about expression…  ciao!

and there’s more…

September 6th, 2014

Once I let go of the emotion, the form dissipates and disappears.  It doesn’t matter what emotion is involved, just that it exists/exhibits at all.

Oh wow!  That’s pretty easy as far as process goes – just decide to feel a different way about something.

Just decide.

It’s always my choice while I’m here.

For Everything

September 6th, 2014

When I first started writing here, I kept wanting to bring things back to a “Positive” place.  I wanted this to be a source of inspiration and love.  Finally I have realized that without proper balance between the dark and light that things will appear not as they are but as some false and shallow image made up in the midst of guilt and suppression.

So I move on to explore all aspects of life, all the emotions, all the visions.  There is no right and wrong, nothing good or bad lest I say it is so.  So here it is, the beginning of the real Beginning.  A discussion inspired by recent events, in honor of All That Is:

Anger wants to be directed at someone or something; it has a direction, a point, a charge that wants to dissipate.  Anger is obvious and current.

Hate, on the other hand, wants to lurk in the background.  Hate wants to survive so it hides itself, keeping its energy to itself.  Hate is anger stored.

Anger is like venom being spit out.  Hate is like swallowing the venom.

Anger is loud and sometimes violent, but almost always immediate and short-lived.  I think rage fits in here, like a transitional state from hate to anger.  All that pressure from hate erupts into rage; this is the outlet, the expression of the suppressed.

Meanwhile, hate ignores.  Hate invalidates that which is ignored.  It is an intentional ignorance which propagates itself as often as it possibly can.  Hate wants to live forever.

As the hate sinks to the depths of my being, it pools up around my feet.  Hate condenses into this puddle of rage waiting to happen.  I am standing in it.  I am afraid of what might happen if it gets out.

I suppose anger is a step up from hate, yes?  And that is where I am.  I am moving from hate to anger.  Anger is definitely more dynamic; hate stews and steams, and rarely takes action.  Hate just sits there, judging, fuming, sickening.

So what to do with the anger?  Let it out, I’m told.  Perhaps not at anyone, but admit to it to myself at the very least.  Own it, as they say, take responsibility.  When I stand in it and see what I have wrought, I realize I can make something else.  This is not the only option, this anger (or hate).

I do feel that I ought to flush out the hate.  Maybe the Earth can take in the energy like a fuel.  The essence of the emotion that gave the energy form could float off into the air, and as long as I don’t call it back to me it is done.

It’s like the emotion holds the form of whatever has been manifested….


July 1st, 2014

Here’s the thing about anger – I want a place for it, I want to see a result.  I want someone to know they fucked up.  I want something to be fixed.  And I want to be acknowledged for my suffering.

I don’t know if this course of action is satisfying.  I think not.  Well maybe for a brief moment but then it feels worse.  And I’d guess that every person on the planet at least knows what it is (anger that is).  [Still, I wonder… are there places on Earth where anger is unknown?]

Some might say that the availability of such things as anger and fear and pain is what draws us to incarnate on Earth in the first place.  How’s that for crazy?

And still I don’t like feeling anger.  I ask to be done with it.  I tell the universe, I’ve had enough anger, can I be done with it now?

This is the response I got:

The Universe reminds you that you continue to choose to experience sadness and grief.  These are beautiful emotions, as is anger.  There is no other place in the universe to experience so many of these things all at once.

Savor this, dear One.  Savor the choice.


June 24th, 2014

We are on the inside looking out – our only center of perspective is from within our bodies.  To try to imagine (or care) how we appear or seem to appear from the outside looking in will result in a distorted vision.  Like looking in a mirror, which always shows an inverted/flipped image, we can never truly see ourselves as we are from the outside.

The question - the eternal questing, seeking, wanting-to-know obsession - would then be:  How do I feel about what I am observing or experiencing?  Can I look at life objectively?  Can I simply observe what is in front of me before making up something about it?  Can I remain completely present for the experience?

Ok, that’s more than one question, but there are limits to this language; often I am moved to round out an idea with multiple iterations until I feel it has been sufficiently described, or I just can’t think of any more words to use.

That is the challenge in wanting to share visions of this inner life – we have few words or phrases to truly describe it.  It reminds me of the word YHWH which was more of an idea because the people knew that there really was no way that they could describe what many call God in one word.

Sometimes I think a person can experience such peace and oneness that it is easy to feel that the words “I am” are sufficient to express the self.  And if we are truly emanating our energetic self then perhaps others will pick up on that expression.

But I find no doubt in the idea that I can never truly know any other perspective but my own while I am human.  Compassion suggests that I try to put myself in another’s position, and while I can sympathize, empathize and even agree with what they’re doing, I will never in this life be able to know what it is to be them.

I often lament the lack of sympathy from others, how some people seem completely unable to sense what others are feeling and so come across as narcissistic or uncaring.  But my own challenge is the opposite – I must find a way to know myself, to honor myself, and above all to love myself.   This is the life of an accommodating person, someone who has always put others first, most of the time simply to keep the peace.

Today, standing in my own place, seeing the world from the only perspective that I can work with, I feel a power that no amount of human sharing or caring can create because it already is.  This power is the flow of love that eternally feeds our beings.  This power is everything.

All At Once

May 28th, 2014

It finally hit me the other day – the idea that mortality makes each moment even more precious.  My dog was sick and while I was worried about her I realized that that very moment, while I was hugging her, was it.  It could be over in a day, an hour, even minutes, so it was impressed upon me to truly dive into the current moment.

She’s fine now, but most likely I will outlive her so it behooves me to spend real time with her – undistracted, present and connected.

I have recently begun to feel multiple emotions all at once.  Sadness and joy.  Anger and laughter.  During these moments I feel like I’m floating, my body tingling, my focus in the center.  There’s a dizziness to this, as if my attention is trying to focus but the field is too broad.  I don’t think these sensations matter, they’re just interesting.  Maybe they help keep me present, I don’t really know.

But I did learn something this week.  This current moment is all there is, or at least it’s where all the power is.  So while I am feeling great love for my dog at the same time as the pending, inevitable grief of her passing, I am absolutely living.

Because of our limited time here, being truly present with those I love honors them and this life I have been given.  I ask forgiveness for those times I forget, and a reminder of where I am.  There is a place to this experience, and a time, and while it doesn’t always feel natural to me it does fill me with awe.

Thank you.


May 24th, 2014

When I was young I always thought that we’d be ok, that humanity would make it.  It was a deep underlying faith I had in humanity’s innate goodness, even though at that time I was suffering greatly at the hands of others.

At some point along the way, I lost that faith.  Maybe it was in high school.  Maybe it was when I went out into the ‘real world’ and got a Job.  Maybe it was when I got married the second time and moved to Southern California.  But somehow, somewhere, I lost my faith.

I had much earlier begun to hate people.  People were not only responsible for my own personal pain, they also were responsible for fucking with the planet – with the animals, the plants, the air, the water.  People were nasty and ugly and careless and I wanted nothing to do with them.

Fast forward to just a few days ago, and I realized that I want humanity to survive, even thrive, but I have serious doubts about our ability to do so.  I have been living with a huge sense of disappointment in people for years now, most of my life most likely although I might not have recognized it.

There’s also been frustration mixed in with the sorrow.  How is it possible that the ‘most advanced’ creatures on the planet could do such horrible things to each other, most often in the name of money or power or some randomly defined version of success?

This pain is much sharper than the personal injuries I sustained.  After all, I must take responsibility for my part in this life, which is to say that all of the individuals who said those hurtful things and did those hurtful things were probably only doing what they knew to do at the time.  And I took it on, I took it all.  I believed them, I believed when they said I was ugly or stupid or worthless.

I don’t believe those things any more but I am still bewildered by a person who feels that just because they can take advantage of someone else it means they should.  Why would you do that?

This world is hard enough as it is.  How can it possibly help to hurt someone else?  How can that possibly make anything better?  Not only is there no logic in this, there is no humanity.

I want to be clear, I am not standing in judgment, I know how hard things are here.  I know how difficult it can be to feel like I belong in this world.  I am simply asking how one human being can harm another?  How is it possible?

Perhaps… no, definitely, I have hurt others in my life.  And, definitely, it was on purpose a handful of times.  I am not above this pain myself.  Maybe this is why I can forgive those who hurt me before.  But I knew, I knew with every ounce of my being that when I hurt someone it was so wrong.  When I have caused pain for another, my own pain is huge.  I don’t know for sure, but I feel like it may be bigger than the pain they feel.  But I don’t know.  I don’t want to know because I can’t take any more pain.

So I will not be receiving any more.  I will not be taking anyone’s criticisms or anger or blame.  I will not be giving any out either, although I suppose it might be possible for someone to be hurt by my honesty.  I can only hope not.  Because I can do no less.  Not any more.


April 5th, 2014

My theory is that the more I am present, the more I am conscious of living in this moment, the more open I am to the larger consciousness of All (The Oneness of Us All).  And the more I pay attention to my physical senses the more I am in this moment.  My body is like the anchor that keeps me here.

Furthermore, the combination of all of my (physical) senses creates my extrasensory experience; the sum of the parts is greater than the whole, or something like that.  With all senses alert, I Am.

Years ago I asked that all of my physical senses be as powerful as they can be.  I asked that I be allowed to see and hear and taste all of what it is possible for my body to handle, and if need be to upgrade my body to allow more input and thus more experience.

While that has occurred – my awareness of sensory input has increased – I am just as overwhelmed by the world as I was as a child.  The main difference now is that I don’t want to come up with some kind of coping mechanism to survive here.  I want to use this abundance of input to thrive.

In order to accomplish this I must give up the idea that any of this energy is specifically directed at me (i.e. I can’t take things personally) (or seriously).  It seems that this energy is simply available to me (to all of us really), for me to choose whether I want to give any attention to it or not.  If I notice it, of course, I have given something to it, but I can still choose to move on.

I’m also noticing that in my choice to be here now, things like writing don’t occur to me as often, if at all.  In fact the idea of doing is just rare these days.  It’s as if being here - breathing, thinking, interacting with my family (small as it is), reading, and general house work – is about all I can handle.  And some days even this is more than I can do, it is more than enough.

A shift has occurred, whether you noticed it or not, and we are now collectively in a new chapter – a chapter filled with possibilities, overflowing with opportunity.  It may not look like it out in the world of the old ways, but in the realm of our visions, ah, so much is being made new.  And I ask myself:  Where will you put your attention?  What will you create?

the whole of us

January 15th, 2014

While it may seem that we are tearing ourselves apart over our differences, I can see that we all have at least one thing in common:  each and every one of us is absolutely unique.  There are no two of us who are exactly alike, not even ‘identical twins’.  Which means there is no redundancy.  No repetition.

In addition, each embodiment is created intentionally, which means that each of us is supposed to be here.  I mean, where else would we be?

Finally, no one does anything Wrong.  Everyone is just doing what they need to do in any given moment.  So there are no mistakes.  We are always right where we are and that can never be a mistake.

Is it possible to experience pain in this world?  and suffering and sorrow and all of those types of things?  Yes, obviously.  Yet somehow I think we chose all of this.  In fact, I think we created it all, the grief and sadness and everything.  Why?  That I don’t know, at least not while I’m in it.

I just know I’m in it.  And I know that there is only one me, only one of each of us.  We are the magic that makes the world and I thank the Creator for every single one of us.  So party on, people, this is the whole of it, this moment.  Our one and only infinite moment…

About purpose….

January 8th, 2014

So what do I call it; does it need a name?  I have ideas about purpose, but it’s hard to put them into words.  Well, it seems to take a lot of words anyways.  I guess I was thinking I had to have some name for it as if it was a career or something.

But this is no career.  This is my life.

As for purpose, it’s not that there is some purpose I don’t remember; it’s about me giving myself and the things I do the meaning I feel like giving them.

I used to believe that productivity equaled purpose.  But the world is already full of things; I don’t need to make things in order to enjoy things.  All I have to do is open my eyes.  My house is a thing full of things.

Nature is full of things, such as trees…. ah, beautiful trees.  My most favorite beings on earth, I must admit.  Sorry, humans, you are fascinating and I wouldn’t want to live without you; but trees, they are sexy at the deepest of levels.

This is not human-to-human lust and desire (of which I am also a great fan).  This is about creation, about pure being.  This feeds my soul.

I believe that is what purpose is.