Pain

May 24th, 2014

When I was young I always thought that we’d be ok, that humanity would make it.  It was a deep underlying faith I had in humanity’s innate goodness, even though at that time I was suffering greatly at the hands of others.

At some point along the way, I lost that faith.  Maybe it was in high school.  Maybe it was when I went out into the ‘real world’ and got a Job.  Maybe it was when I got married the second time and moved to Southern California.  But somehow, somewhere, I lost my faith.

I had much earlier begun to hate people.  People were not only responsible for my own personal pain, they also were responsible for fucking with the planet – with the animals, the plants, the air, the water.  People were nasty and ugly and careless and I wanted nothing to do with them.

Fast forward to just a few days ago, and I realized that I want humanity to survive, even thrive, but I have serious doubts about our ability to do so.  I have been living with a huge sense of disappointment in people for years now, most of my life most likely although I might not have recognized it.

There’s also been frustration mixed in with the sorrow.  How is it possible that the ‘most advanced’ creatures on the planet could do such horrible things to each other, most often in the name of money or power or some randomly defined version of success?

This pain is much sharper than the personal injuries I sustained.  After all, I must take responsibility for my part in this life, which is to say that all of the individuals who said those hurtful things and did those hurtful things were probably only doing what they knew to do at the time.  And I took it on, I took it all.  I believed them, I believed when they said I was ugly or stupid or worthless.

I don’t believe those things any more but I am still bewildered by a person who feels that just because they can take advantage of someone else it means they should.  Why would you do that?

This world is hard enough as it is.  How can it possibly help to hurt someone else?  How can that possibly make anything better?  Not only is there no logic in this, there is no humanity.

I want to be clear, I am not standing in judgment, I know how hard things are here.  I know how difficult it can be to feel like I belong in this world.  I am simply asking how one human being can harm another?  How is it possible?

Perhaps… no, definitely, I have hurt others in my life.  And, definitely, it was on purpose a handful of times.  I am not above this pain myself.  Maybe this is why I can forgive those who hurt me before.  But I knew, I knew with every ounce of my being that when I hurt someone it was so wrong.  When I have caused pain for another, my own pain is huge.  I don’t know for sure, but I feel like it may be bigger than the pain they feel.  But I don’t know.  I don’t want to know because I can’t take any more pain.

So I will not be receiving any more.  I will not be taking anyone’s criticisms or anger or blame.  I will not be giving any out either, although I suppose it might be possible for someone to be hurt by my honesty.  I can only hope not.  Because I can do no less.  Not any more.



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