Unfit

August 22nd, 2013

What is the point of fitting in?  Can no one love me if I’m not conforming?  I find this hard to believe.  In fact I think people love each other more when they feel the ‘other’ person is being real and genuine.

If I am doing certain things, or not doing certain things, simply because I think that this will make me more likeable, I am sacrificing my own desires and my own expressions for the sake of (what I imagine to be) the other person’s feelings.  My thoughts have to move out of the way of the conforming thoughts, and who the hell knows if I’m getting even those ‘right’?  What the hell is right?  Who determines this??

I can never satisfy everyone, nor likely many at all.  I can only satisfy myself, and even that can be difficult at times.  I do however hold out hope that the latter is something I can learn and master within a reasonable period of time.

Until then, I continue to practice not trying to fit in.  It’s not that I’m constantly rebelling – been there, done that – it’s just that I’m not actively trying to conform.  I am letting go of the constant reaching out with my mind (i.e. it’s all in my head) to try to sense what someone else thinks of me or what I’m doing, wearing, saying, etc., etc.

More to the point, I am beginning to say what I want to say.  I am wearing what I want to wear.  I am going where I want to go, and staying home when that feels best, too.  This sounds very basic, like it’s so obvious I shouldn’t even have to put it into words.  But here I am, doing just that.  Believe me, these words are for me, attempting to etch these ideas and things learned into the material world, or at least the part of it I interact with on a regular basis.

OK, enough words.  Time for a little peace and quiet.  Amen.



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