Always

June 14th, 2016

Sometimes I look in the mirror and am genuinely surprised by what I see because it is not what I was expecting.

Sometimes it feels like my body is outside of me.  Like the aches and pains that I feel aren’t really me, they’re just bits of resistance.  Because when I check in with ME there is no pain, there is only energy.

Sometimes I don’t want the life I am living.  I would give it up fairly easily, I believe, for a moment…, but I don’t know what I would choose if it really came down to it.  It seems I like it here more than I want to admit.

Sometimes this world scares me, sometimes it startles me, and sometimes it stuns me into a silence so deep even the inside of my head is quiet.

Sometimes I feel like I know what love is.  And I always feel like there is more to life than we can see or hear.

Sometimes I just laugh because damn…

Worth and Value

May 1st, 2016

Paul Jarvis today coached us to notice things, so that we’d have stories to tell and something to write about.  He also offered the perspective of potential clients - what do people wish they knew? what are they asking of you?  “Look for patterns in what people are talking about, questioning, wanting, needing, yearning for.”

I thought, people want to know that they are right.  They want to know that what they believe in is solid.  They want to know that all of the work they put in to their jobs means something.  They want to know that the effort of their life has all been worth it.

So can I tell you that this is so?  No, I cannot.  All of your beliefs are just that – they are yours and yours alone.  How do I know?  Because that is what beliefs are.  They only work for the one who holds them.  They don’t work for anyone else.  My beliefs only work for me because I have come to them through my experience, and no matter how many words I use to try to share that experience with you, you will never know what it was like to have “been there.”

I suppose by writing this I am going against that belief – the belief that I can never really share with you anything meaningful – so there is another belief running underneath the first one.  Sometimes our beliefs are not so clear.

The question that strikes me the deepest is whether or not it’s all been worth it, because I can’t say that it has.  Perhaps, at the end of all things, I might be able to look back and see that it was.  But right now, even as I sit in my very comfortable living room with my beautiful dogs around me, sipping delicious hot coffee, I can’t say that it has.

There is one exception to this and that’s when I think of my daughters. They are smart, funny, creative women who look to their futures with a certain anticipation that does not feel like hitting some target but rather like a generous amount of time in which to make things that please them.  They both see themselves sharing these creations with the world in a way that speaks of a success born of satisfaction and purpose.  They also are both very interested in making sure they have fun along the way.

What does it mean, saying something is “worth it”?  This idea of worth comes up often for me – am I worth it?  Do I have worth?  The word “value” comes up alongside of it.  Is that what it all comes down to, a sense of value?  Can it really all just be about money?

No, I don’t think that’s it.  Even though our culture (in the USA) is very much in love with that kind of value, I don’t think that’s what makes us happy.  It might make us feel secure, momentarily, but money can slip away, it can be lost, and it always seems there’s just not quite enough of it.

The value I seek for myself and ultimately for us all has to do with feeling needed and wanted and loved.  Recent talk about our human need to feel loved and accepted backs this up but I don’t think we needed any scientific studies to know this, which is really what those studies were pointing towards anyways.

Maybe by sharing this I can give you something.  Maybe, like Paul’s email, it will be something to think about.  Look at how many words I came up with just by thinking about the questions he asked.  This points to another human need – the need to express ourselves.  Even those of us who like to be alone most of the time still have a need to “say” something once in a while.  The internet has been perfect for us as we can put out thousands of words a day if we are so inspired.  And if you’re like me, you won’t even know if anyone is reading them, but it doesn’t matter, at least not to me.  I have spoken and that is good enough.

Maybe it does matter, though.  Maybe my sense of self-worth depends on my feeling like I have contributed something to the world.  So many teachers ask us to ask ourselves, “what can I give to the world?  What can I do for my fellow travelers?”

While the word “service” can carry some baggage, sometimes I think I can see what they are trying to point at.  And it’s not about being a servant.  It has to do with singing my part in the chorus.

I think I will take a cue from my daughters, and start to equate something being “worth it” to something being fun.  Ultimately I will leave this world and all of my beliefs and experiences will go with me, so there really is no material value to my life.  I only have my perspective and the meaning I assign to what I see.  Hopefully this will help me to see how it has indeed all been worth it.

As Paul says in his email, noticing things doesn’t mean judging them.  It’s about paying attention and giving my focus to something.  And what I’ve noticed is that when I focus on something – really focus – the idea of worth and/or value doesn’t even come up.  A true experience of the moment is timeless and complete in and of itself.

My Life on Earth so far…

December 9th, 2015

Have you ever been to a party where you don’t know very many people there, everyone is drinking – a lot – and talking really loud, and you aren’t anywhere near those few people you do know, the ones who invited you in the first place, and the people who are nearby, while you appreciate that they’re enjoying themselves, are talking about something you can’t even pretend to be interested in or informed about, so you decide to go outside to get some air and some space and some quiet…  then you breath, and you wonder why you are even at this party, and you start thinking you’ll just go home and let the party go on without you – you’ll hardly be missed, after all – and you ask yourself, why did I come? and yet you are frozen, paralyzed by a choice you have no answer for, wondering if you might be able to find the friends you came with because maybe they’re having fun and you can find some comfort in their presence, but you still can’t move because the power of the party is pushing you out, putting up a barrier you really have no desire or energy to breech, and finally you send out a signal to your friends, hoping they’ll hear it, hoping they’ll find you, outside the party-wall, outside in the air, outside.

The Separation

October 6th, 2015

A feeling of separation arises at the moment I become aware of my limited, singular being-ness.  And while I am aware of my larger, immortal self, I cannot ‘see’ it.  All of a sudden there is a branching off and there is an ‘other’, someone just around the corner, who is also me and seemingly separate from me.

In my vision, they are walking right here beside me and then they are gone.  And I’ve forgotten to ask them what I’m supposed to be doing.

What did I come here for?  Why did I choose to be here, and why now?

There might actually be a good reason for coming here.  I seek answers.

Should I be looking for something?  Should I be doing something?  Should I be asking a different question?  Should I just let it all be and enjoy the ride?

This idea of separation is a powerful one; we all buy into it so it has a lot of energy behind it.  I am still finding blind spots I have towards it.  But maybe those spots are getting deeper and wider and I am finally getting down to the base of … what?  My sticking point?  My frustration?  My complete and utter bewilderment?

I don’t know.  I just truly don’t know.

What a kick in the pants…

Success and Everything

October 2nd, 2015

It’s busy time, I’ve got something to do.  Success, right?  Doing things is like success – idle hands and all that.  So what do I see about me that is not enough?  What could possibly be missing?  I mean, I know I don’t have everything (where would I put it?*).  And there is an infinite number of possibilities as to what I don’t have, but I don’t know what they are (all those things that I don’t know that I don’t know).

And yet, here I sit, worried that I’m not doing enough.  I worry about success – what does it mean?  Well I think I’m finally seeing that what it means to me is all that matters … to me.  Sounds circular, sort of, except that I can only ever perceive from my own point of view.  There is no way for me to get out of my own perspective.  Not that I don’t try, but even within the most intimate of relationships, I’m still just guessing.

Everything is everything and there is nothing outside of everything.  Or maybe nothing is contained within everything.  Either way, everything is still all there is.

But maybe Steven is wrong, maybe not only can I have everything, I do have everything.  Maybe it’s all already mine.  Not in some possessive kind of way, but in the broadest sense, everything that I can conceive of is mine because I have conceived it.  So, if I already have it all, then I have to ask myself again, what can possibly be missing?

Perhaps it is simply all of the things I have not yet conceived…

I’d better get busy.

* Steven Wright

Once Again

September 14th, 2015

Digging in the depths, digging, digging.

Keep going, it’s very deep

and hot. Hot as lava.

Digging down, seeing red.

Magma comes up like bile.

I want it to end.

Repeating, repeating the old habits.

Seeing you over and over again.

Forgetting you over and over again.

Remember it is me.  I remember it is

all me and all mine.

This blows my mind.

How easy to look in a mirror

and hate what I see.

To hate me.

But I do remember me.  I remember.

This, too, blows my mind.

What If?

June 14th, 2015

What if my ‘work’ is awakening?  What if my work leaves nothing to show because it is not tangible?  What do I do?  How do I feel, in this world where success must be measured, where progress must be shown?

Confession

April 29th, 2015

I am a cheater.

I cheat by not caring about all the social norms, by not following them.  I cheat by saying that life should be fun, not serious.  I cheat by not going along with the crowd.

I disagree with many aspects of our culture and this feels like cheating.  This feels like I’m doing it wrong.  Because who is wrong – the individual or the larger group?  What does it mean to be ‘wrong’?  Does it mean being the only one doing something a certain way while everyone else does it another way?  Does it mean going against the accepted norms?

Or is there an individual compass that I use – that each of us uses – to determine what is right or wrong?  Because certainly I can only ever decide what is right or wrong for me.  I cannot decide what is right or wrong for anyone else – oh perhaps temporarily for my children but we all outgrow that quickly.  We are born as whole, complete beings, and we know early on what we want and what makes us happy.  The only ‘right and wrong’ we learn has to do with how to get along in society, in other words, how to avoid getting in trouble.  (And, yes, some safety issues in terms of how not to get physically hurt.)

Right and Wrong is determined by the group.  Right and Wrong can change because the group can change their collective mind, which implies that right and wrong are not absolute.

So I could determine my own right and wrong because the group’s idea of correctness is unstable and unpredictable.  And I’m not going to wait for the group to agree with what I know to be true for me.  Maybe they never would and I would be waiting forever.

Will I continue to cheat?  Yes.  Do I know anyone who does not cheat in some way or another?  I don’t think so, but I only know a handful of people.  Still, this tells me that we probably all push against the boundaries in our own ways.  We are trying to fit into the system even though we know we’re more round than we are square, and we’re so many different kinds of round.  I’ll bet that even the people who make the rules don’t follow them to the letter.  What does that say about Right and Wrong?

I am a cheater because I know in my heart what love is and I know it’s not the guiding principle of our society, at least not yet.  I don’t know what this would look like but I’m pretty sure I know what it would feel like.  So I will continue to cheat in order to feel this way as often as I possibly can.

I am a cheater.

Awake in the Shadows

January 3rd, 2015

I have dived into the shadows, and I have opened my eyes there.  Or should I say, here, because this place, this is the shadow world.  Our experience as humans cannot be without shadow.

Here, light needs dark.  Hot needs cold.  Compassion needs anger.  I need.  We all have needs.

These are the requirements for a physical life on Earth.  All things support each other because there is no room between them.  Molecules bump up against each other on all sides.  I am cocooned in my human-ness.

I keep looking around, wondering what in this world will give me joy.  There are so many things to put my attention on here, and my joy is never complete because there is always shadow right next to it.

I know, true joy is inside of me.  There is nothing external that can make me anything at all.  I choose where I want to be on my emotional scale.

The thing is, this human life is all about externals.  I look out from my eyes and speak from my mouth, from my center.  Input comes in from the world around me, towards my center.  It is all about my interactions with this place.

And since my true self is constant and eternal (at least that’s what I choose to believe) the things I do and hold are of little consequence.  There is only experience, and that is exactly what I am here to have.

So here I sit, in the shadows, holding my cup of coffee, because it does bring me joy.  And I ponder, what shall I bump into today?

An Apology in the Form of Ho’oponopono

October 11th, 2014

I am sorry for all of the pain I have instigated, although I hope it was something that, at a soul level, you wanted or needed.

Please forgive me for hurting you, you who I should love like family.  I suppose you are family, all of you, and so there is no one else around for me to affect.  I do love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Thank you for your continuing love, in whatever form you deliver it.  I know what pain is; we all do.

So, I’m sorry, please forgive me.

I love you.

Thank you.